Paul Elam is very very angry at women who don’t like to give blow jobs for a number of very good reasons. He read a list in Cosmo called 18 Reasons When Not to Give Him a Blowjob. Most of the list advises women not to engage in oral sex due to disease or when the guy tries making a woman gag or suffocate. The rest of the list stressed that women shouldn’t feel forced. This really got Paul in a rage so he made a list of 18 reasons why men shouldn’t give women 10 cents because in Paul’s mind, every woman paid with a dime is a prostitute who must accept violence against them. Here are a few of the items on his list. Cosmo equivalent in orange:
COSMO: 3. He won’t return the favor. According to a poll we took, 70 percent of you have gone out with a guy who expected oral sex but wouldn’t give it in return. Be honest with yourself and admit you’d rather date a Nickelback fan than that dude.
PAUL: 3. She won’t return the favor. Well, unless you count a shitty tie from Target on your birthday, or occasionally picking up the tab at Starbucks.
Wow Paul, that was so clever.
COSMO: 4. Too much hair. Just because he doesn’t have a clitoris you need to find does not mean you ordered a hair salad with this sexual encounter.
PAUL: 4. Too much whining. Just because her tastes always seem to exceed your financial capabilities doesn’t mean her infantile wailing is part of the transaction. Hint: Hookers usually fall silent and leave after payment is made.
Any ‘hooker’ would fall silent and leave when presented with a dime and Paul knows this because he’s tried it.
COSMO: 5. Smell. Shower required.
PAUL: 5. Smell. Face it. Greedy, entitled bullshit stinks. If you catch a whiff, don’t imagine that a shower is going to help.
We could try to put Paul under Niagara Falls, ya think?
COSMO: 6. If anything about putting your face down there makes you uncomfortable. Maybe you’ve never been around a really enormous penis, or an uncircumcised one, or a really short and fat one. Be nice about it (he can’t change it, after all, and maybe you’ll come to like it!) but you are under no obligation to put your mouth on a penis that freaks you out. If you want to give it a try, ask him about it. He probably has some tips.
PAUL: 6. If anything about laying your hard earned money out there makes you feel uncomfortable.She may have really big tits, or really small ones. Or maybe she has spit out a couple of kids and she has the saggy kind that have more striations than the surface of mars. Maybe you can learn to love any of them as long as there are two of roughly the same size. That does not mean you have to pull out the plastic. If you really want to test your credit limit over her boobs, just ask her about it. You can be assured she will have some helpful tips.
It’s really sickening to read how he hates women’s bodies and thinks making women uncomfortable is part of normal sexual behaviour.
COSMO: 7. If he’s pushing your head down. The worst.
PAUL: 7. If she is grabbing your crotch while asking for money. The worst. Take the handjob and then go hit a sports bar, by yourself.
Nothing like comparing choking a woman to pleasurable crotch grabbing.
COSMO: 12. If he starts doing that thrusting thing down your throat and you’re not into it. Some people like to be gagged during blowjobs, but if you’re not one of them, just stop and wait for him to notice you’ve stopped. It’s the “Third grade teacher holding up her hand in a noisy classroom until all the kids are silent” technique.
PAUL: 12. If she starts doing that thrusting thing down your pockets and you are not into it. Some people like to be robbed during sex, or at the very least they don’t care, but if you’re not one of them, just cover your pockets with your hands and wait for her to notice. It’s the “Third grade teacher holding up his hand in a noisy classroom until all the kids are silent” technique.
Because being gagged is like some sort of thrusting pocket thing.
COSMO: 13. When it looks like something is wrong with his penis, STD-wise. But I hope I don’t have to tell you that.
PAUL: 13. When it looks like something is wrong with her mind, BPD-wise. But I hope I don’t have to tell you that.
Paul was a counselor before becoming a full-time online misogynist. He was obviously terrible at his job if he thinks you can diagnose a personality disorder by simply looking at someone.
COSMO: 15. When you have stuffy nose. When blowjobs turn dangerous!
PAUL: 15. When you have stuffy nose, or a hangnail, or a paper cut, or a mild headache, or when you are experiencing none of these things. You need a woman who is a match for you intellectually. That means she can find her purse when bills come due or the dinner check arrives. If she is too stupid, or entitled to do that, then find another woman.
I really don’t understand this one unless Paul loses consciousness when he gets a paper cut. Does anyone want to guess at Paul’s intellectual equal? A jackass perhaps?
COSMO: 17. If he demands that you swallow. Deciding to swallow yourself is all good. But a guy who expects it of you is pretty uppity.
PAUL: 17. If she demands that you pay for everything. Deciding to do that yourself is pretty crazy, but hey, who am I to question your choices? But a woman who expects it of you is pretty uppity, not to mention useless. And if her demands are the reason you are throwing cash at her, do yourself a favor. You can do the same thing, and have a lot more fun, at a titty bar.
Sexual coercion is so totally like going to a strip club to objectify women because you’re mad at that straw.
If only a single dime could cure Paul of his misogyny.