Post Birthday Thoughts

I was writing a reply to V, a regular reader and commenter here and realized that it would be better served as a full post.

My 45th Was A Happy Birthday With A Key Lime Pie

Although my day was hectic and things went wrong I still managed to feel good about turning 45 and yes I bought a key lime pie. I’m gonna eat the whole thing, except the crust, which is too sweet.

I admit I do long to rewind my life 20 years and do certain things over again but overall, once you hit this age you have a different perspective on life in general. I find myself slowing down a bit, smelling the roses so-to-speak.

I’ve lived the past 10 years on my own, absolutely totally 100% on my own. That’s an accomplishment. Now it hasn’t been easy at all. As a disabled woman I struggle so much but I’m free, inasmuch as a woman can be free in patriarchal society.

Overall the day was good but it was like any other day. Plus I had a cold so I won’t take a couple days off until I’m not sniffling.

Why Do I Do This?

I often ask myself why I keep this blog. I used to critique the male supremacy movement on Youtube and finally decided to write it all down. This blog is almost 1 year old. I have many reasons why I think this is important. Knowing how vast male violence against women is it seems the MRA’s are the critical population to expose. In my view MRA’s will say things most men will not. This gives us a good glimpse into what drives men. I’ve found that even left leaning men will eventually show their entitlement and misogyny.

In fact, a man I wrote about a year ago, Charles Clymer, is one of those men who wants in to feminism so he can get dates and silence women. In my experience men cannot be feminists. They can be pro-feminists but never shall they understand women’s experiences. No matter how much men claim they’re feminists they’ll always at some point start mansplaining a woman or disrespecting her. I’ve seen it happen over and over again. Men should never hold leadership positions or any position of power over a woman in feminist circles. EVER.

I also keep this blog because I feel like I have a responsibility to help other women who are being targeted by Men’s ‘Rights’ groups and I know that women need a space to name the problem and express our experiences as women. I recognize the need for spaces for women BY women.

I do most of my work behind the scenes and nobody ever knows about it. It has to remain that way for my safety. I wish I could write about it but I can’t. When I expose a new MRA plot to attack a woman I expect women here to network the way I do, to help them in any way they can, even if it’s just support. I know it’s dangerous out there and I know this isn’t for everyone but it’s something I have to do.

The new methods of attack the internet has allowed have also opened up vast networks of women to fight back. The internet is very important in that regard.

The Journey To Radical Feminism

I came to radical feminism naturally, which to me means that I recognized my experiences as a woman as a natural response to a male dominated world. My progression is quite determinist and that’s because I listened to myself. I knew what kind of society I lived in by the 5th grade. I knew males had an easier time at things and that I was always going to be second guessed or simply not listened to.

I experienced discrimination while trying to get into a coveted educational spot. I did get in but not without a fight. I’m lucky in one respect, my parents were willing to fight for me and they did. I remember feeling like I had struck gold, had landed in a magical place that most girls never got to see. Of course, I also felt guilt because I was second guessed and sometimes felt I wasn’t worthy. Women know that feeling. We know that what comes out of our mouths is usually going to be mansplained and we adjust accordingly. Women are so busy adjusting we don’t have time to live and to me, that’s a crime against humanity.

Internalizing that guilt let me know I had arrived. I could suddenly understand the relationship between my mother and father, how unequal it was. I vowed never to be a housewife because I saw my mother subjugated in that role and I saw how my father reacted when she wanted to study and go to work. I vowed never to have kids because I knew I’d be bringing them into a world that just wasn’t good. I just said no to kids altogether and admired a life lived just for me. I vowed never to be shamed for this radical decision. So far, so good. I listened to myself.

That’s what radical feminists are so good at: listening to ourselves. When we experience something we aren’t afraid to recognize it for what it is. I think that women who listen to themselves become radical feminists. At least I’d like to think so.

That’s what I value the most about radical feminism. Naming the problem is what we do around here. We don’t second guess or ask whether men want to hurt us. Men are clearly saying ‘we will hurt you.’ I’ve learned many times over that even supposed male allies aren’t to be fully trusted. Why? Because they can’t see their privilege nor do they recognize the structural inequalities we face simply for being women. There’s usually a blind spot somewhere. I just heard a man deride the metaphor that ‘All IPV is rape.’ Did he ask me to explain this metaphor? Nope. Instead he got his back up because well, women must be sexually available to men even  when women are taking the bigger risks in sexual relationships with men. That’s just a fact.

Radical feminism, to me, is about facts. We correctly see the world we live in and we correctly describe it because we use the most valuable tool we have: Our experiences. We must continue to listen to ourselves and trust ourselves.

The Here And Now And Moving Forward

I think women today are in serious trouble, not because of MRA’s but because we’ve always had to struggle. With rampant pornography usage by males, the constant erosion of reproductive rights, the economic problems, and so on, we women are experiencing a serious backlash from male supremacists, hence the MRA’s and men who may not call themselves MRA’s but who share the same aggrieved entitlement and even some of the same unsupported ideas. There are men who parrot MRA talking points who don’t even call themselves MRA’s.

MRA’s are a small group. They’re pretty insignificant in many ways. Their views are not held by the mainstream. However, they harass women and their ideology must be brought into the light of day so it can be shown for what it is: misogyny.

I will always applaud a woman like Emma Watson who brings feminism to a world audience and we must support her. Even if her campaign is ‘fun feminism’ we should stand by her because she is trying even if misguided. Is anything radical going to come of her campaign? Maybe, but I doubt it. How often have women asked men to get involved, to correct their own and other male behaviour? Some might disagree with me and that’s ok. That’s why we have a comment section.

So far all I see is a few male celebrities tweeting out pics of themselves with a hashtag expecting praise and getting it. That’s disturbing. Expecting praise for acting like a human being who treats other human beings with respect is pretty disgusting.

However, vocal women like Emma are being viciously attacked by men. She is their next target. For those who don’t know, after Emma’s UN speech some threatened to release private nude photos of her. It didn’t matter that she included and addressed men softly and carefully which is what women usually have to do in order to avoid male violence. Face it, none of us would’ve been so charming. Yet no matter how gently she spoke men still targeted her. Many feminists have pointed out that simply stating that women are subjugated brings male backlash. Look no further for proof. Speaking up about male violence can bring male violence. UPDATE: the photo leak was just an empty threat but one nonetheless that involved violence against women.

Feminism is a dirty word lately but that is changing albeit slowly. We must stand together even though we may disagree with each other. I’m not asking anyone to withhold their analyses. I would expect that a pro-sexual exploitation person who posts here knows she’s going to have to tend with the radical feminist position. That’s a given but we must, as Gail Dines says, be the leaders. We must take these women in and educate them and speak with them. It won’t be easy. There will be arguments. There will be hurt feelings.

Just yesterday I had a fun feminist engage me in a conversation. First she tweeted that feminists are the ones pushing the mother/whore dichotomy. I corrected her. We tweeted back and forth until she literally put words in my mouth. You know what she was concerned with? Male feelings. She kept telling me she was a feminist and I kept smh. Unfortunately, I couldn’t carry on a discussion with her because she kept asserting things I never said. When asked to provide my statements she couldn’t. I expect that this kind of thing will happen here on this blog too.

Our analyses aren’t fun. We’re blunt and unapologetic. Our discussion might be hard to hear if you’re not a radical feminist, if you’re so used to catering to males. It can get very bleak for women who are second guessing whether to name the problem or not for fear of  male retaliation. However, we unite in that voice and in our personal experiences as women because we matter. We’re not concerned about male feelings around here. If we were this place would be AVFM.

While I welcome liberal feminists here you must recognize you’re in our garden and we will, I hope, help you to see our perspective. I don’t want you to get the idea this is the place for debating arguments because it’s not. I’m just saying that I recognize that some liberal feminists will want to post here. The one thing I will say is not to cut down or try to minimize radical feminist experiences. For example, telling other members that you love men is useless around here because nobody is saying you can’t. It’s not productive and well, nobody around here wants to hear it anyway because it’s usually a response to a woman to get a rise out of her. Just because you love some dude out there doesn’t mean other women have to.

However, if you want to seriously discuss and learn about an issue, feel free. My radical sisters might not feel the same way about you that I do, so keep that in mind too. I have already promised not to butt into any disagreements. I don’t know if that will work across all situations but I’ll do my best to stay out of it.

Above all, I want to thank all readers of this blog, new and old, for sharing your experiences as WOMEN. We’re almost 1 year old!

 

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29 thoughts on “Post Birthday Thoughts

  1. Thanks, HMQ, your comments inspire many thoughts, but right now I can only say that I appreciate your work and wish you a great second year here!

  2. I’m very happy to hear you will continue blogging. I feel very safe and supported here. It’s like being in a cozy living room by a fireplace. Thanks HMQ!

  3. Since you brought it up, I am interested in reading your thoughts on “All PIV is rape.” I have a hard time with this statement because it appears untrue—there are women who enjoy PIV so it cannot all be rape. I vaguely understand how women arrive at this conclusion; for example, that when our “no” means nothing then our “yes” doesn’t either. But I don’t fully understand the claim.

    • Have you read Witchwind’s posts on this? The claim has to do with the fact that our sexuality is so conditioned/programmed – or better yet groomed – from such an early age. After I read some of this material, I came to the conclusion that I was never actually heterosexual – or any kind of sexual for that matter. It’s pressure that is put on girls and women to do something that is not in our best interest. But, there’s a lot to it. You have to spend some time reading it with an open mind to understand it.

      Here’ is one of Witchwind’s most controversial posts on this subjects, which the fun femmes like to make fun of:

      http://witchwind.wordpress.com/2013/12/15/piv-is-always-rape-ok/

      In conjunction with this – to really get it – read: “Loving to Survive: Sexual Terror and Women’s Lives” by Dee Graham. This one is as much an eye opener for me as anything by Dworkin and Dworkin really blew my mind because she gave words to so many things I never could find the words to say.

      The book: http://radfem.org/stockholm/

      In fact, I might recommend reading the book before reading Witchwind because I think it will make more sense that way. The point simply is that women’s heterosexuality is not necessarily organic. This is not to say that this is the case for all women, but you may find something of yourself in it. At least, I certainly did. There is a lot of pressure on girls from a very, very early age to have sex with males. The conditioning begins early (shoving dolls at us, for example, and denying us other types of play that are considered to boyish) and it begins hitting fever pitch when when we hit about 12 and our dads’ friends start talking about us like were nothing but a collection of reproductive organs. You know the drill! It’s very scary. Then they hit us with the protection racket and the Stockholm Syndrome really kicks in. That’s what Loving to Survive is all about.

      Once you realize the game that’s being played, you can see that there is no way to know if your consent to heterosexual relations is really free and unfettered – is it your own idea or conditioning/Stockholm Syndrome reaction? You have to answer that question yourself after you do some heavy reading and reflection.

      • I personally find Witchwind’s blog a bit alienating (not to mention offensive). By stating that literally all PIV is rape, she’s basically saying that all heterosexual women have been raped. Yeah, sorry, but no. Not me, that’s for sure. LOL In my last relationship, one of the major problems, that caused the most arguments, was his withholding of sexual affection. So, I decided to withhold a few things…like meal prep, housework, etc. This is also one of the reasons that I kicked him to the curb. Sugarpuss has needs.

        Also, I was pretty disgusted with Witchwind’s recent dismissal of racism. I have often said that, at the end of the day, we are all “bitches” in the eyes of men, regardless of our differences… but things like racism, classism, ableism, etc, DO color our experiences. There is a special level of hell carved out just for black women. They get it from both sides; white people shit on them, and then they get shit on by their men. Racism isn’t just a male thing, and it’s misogynistic to imply otherwise.

        One thing I especially despise about men is the way in which they try to insist that they know what we really want or need, ignoring the actual words that come out of our mouths. So, when women such as Witchwind keep insisting that they know MY body better than I do, and that I’m a rape victim because PIV (even if I initiated it), that is basically the other side of the same shitty toilet seat.

        I have always interpreted the “all sex is rape” thing as a statement about the power differential between men & women. If any woman says “No” to sex with a man, he has the physical power to make it happen, and the systemic power to get away with it. I do not take it literally to mean every, single heterosexual act of sex is rape; that’s ludicrous. If it weren’t for PIV, none of us would even exist right now. LOL It’s just that men’s nasty behavior has spoiled everything. I’m celibate, and trust that it’s not due to a lack of desire. The humpty dance isn’t worth the misogynistic BS that comes with it (also, the selection is pretty poor in my neck of the woods).

        • I was watching a discussion group video on YT with a bunch of women from Harlem. When you said this: There is a special level of hell carved out just for black women. They get it from both sides;

          I can totally see it. There’s a black man named Obsidian on AVFM and he goes after black women like there’s no tomorrow. It pisses me off. I was going to do a post on it but I thought I might be appropriating black women’s experiences, which I didn’t want to do.

          Although it did piss me right off to see this guy doing this. Here’s the panel in Harlem, I literally just finished watching it:
          http://is.gd/nu3Hnh I was going to post it for all of us as a separate post but I suppose this was meant to happen and I was meant to post it this way. Synchronicity.

          • Oh gawd, Obsidian. Yes, I’m familiar with that asshat. However, if you want to see some really hardcore misogyny aimed at black women, check out Tommy Sotomayor on YT (not his real name, btw.). He is one of the biggest pieces of shit that has ever waked this planet, IMHO. He targets dark-skinned black women, calls them “beasties” & “hairhats”, blames them for all of black men’s problems, shames them with the old “acting like men” BS when they don’t conform to the rules of “femininity”, loads of slut-shaming, etc, etc. I could write a book on this fucking bastard.

            Ok, I’m gonna try to calm down now, and watch the video you have linked to. 🙂

            PS I think it’s possible to be critical of black men’s treatment of black women without it being perceived as appropriating black women’s experiences. I think many black women would appreciate the backup. And the male-created rivalry between black & white women needs to be crushed. That alone has crippled women’s powers considerably. Divided & conquered, as they say.

        • I hear you, however, I can only speak in my own case, of course, and my mother hated having intimate relations with my father – hated it and found it very painful and disgusting – and told me about it often when I was older. She didn’t have a choice – raped as a tiny infant, abused by her father, forced to drop out of high school because “What do girls need an education for? You’re just going to get married and have kids!” and entered the protection racket by marrying my abusive father at about age 19. She had no choice. Was she raped? I’d have to say, yes – very systematically.

          Fast forward 20, 40 or however many years and things just haven’t changed that much. I was subjected to a sick, perverted religious cult that existed on a foundation of pedophilia. I had to disengage myself from that massive mindfuck, which it took me decades to do (still not sure I’m completely recovered) and I had to survive in a world where nobody cared about what I could do, my mind or my education. They wanted to see me take my clothes off and paid extra to get a chance to possibly sexually assault me – and quite a few of them did.

          I look back at my life. Did I have a choice? No. I can’t find any avenue at any intersection in my life where I could have reasonably chosen to do anything else. I’ve reviewed it many times.

          Was I raped by these men? I was raped by many men – brutally. But, some of the worst were those who obtained some form of “consent.” The worst rape I’ve ever experienced was in a coerced/forced marriage and in another long-term relationship I had. “Consent-based rape” – there, I just formed a new term for this – is the worst. Rape is not made better when it is systematic, well-planned and plotted.

          I don’t know about Witchwind’s alleged racism because I didn’t see it, but it doesn’t negate the truth of what is in her post about the treatment of women.

          I just had some dude here tell me repeatedly about myself as a woman a couple of days ago – Women aren’t interested in weapons like men are – don’t ya know! And, he was pretty insistent about maintaining that demeaning, undermining gender role and hanging it on me and every other girl and woman. This is not what I’m doing here and I didn’t get that from Witchwind’s blog, either. I’m not saying that it must be so that no women are ever organically heterosexual or homosexual. I’ve talked to women who swear they were born lesbian and had sexual attractions to other girls at an early age. And, it is completely contrary to the programming we have imposed on us, so I’m inclined to believe it.

          But, I do say simply that when you’re living with this level of mental subjugation from an early age – this whole system these men have in place and from which they ALL benefit – how can we even be sure who we really are? (I say this with the background of being a cult survivor, too. When you’re in a cult, you don’t know who you are or your own nature – even though you think you do at the time. You don’t realize what has happened until you’ve been out for a while.) It takes a lot of self-searching far away from the mind-controllers for a long, long time to come to any kind of reasonable conclusion. It’s going to be nearly impossible to arrive at the truth when you’re busy trying to survive this horror show!

          I don’t have enough information to say that female heterosexuality is 100% manufactured. But, it is clear to me that heterosexuality for girls and women *is* VERY manufactured. It’s shoved down our throats from infancy and it’s pretty much mandatory in this society. There are penalties of all kinds if you deviate from the norm in any way.

          • I hear you, however, I can only speak in my own case, of course, and my mother hated having intimate relations with my father – hated it and found it very painful and disgusting – and told me about it often when I was older. She didn’t have a choice – raped as a tiny infant, abused by her father, forced to drop out of high school because “What do girls need an education for? You’re just going to get married and have kids!” and entered the protection racket by marrying my abusive father at about age 19. She had no choice. Was she raped? I’d have to say, yes – very systematically.

            That’s horrible, and yes, I agree that she was raped, in every way a woman can be. I’m certainly not minimizing situations like that; In fact, they appear to be the norm. My own experiences have been a bit different, and sometimes I just get frustrated because of that difference, or I’m just tired of always being the one who is different, I guess. I feel like a neon orange square peg, wandering around, looking for a place to fall into, a place that fits. My mother is very different from yours. As far back as I can remember, she has always been a very sexual person. In fact, she had the exact same problem with my father that I had with my ex-bf. LOL I guess it’s hereditary or something. My parents divorced when I was 4, and my father really had no interest in me, so it was just her raising me for the remainder of my childhood. There were a lot of guys in & out of the house, parties, drinking, pot smoking, etc. It was a uber-liberal environment, for sure. I was allowed to look at her Playgirl magazines at about age 9, so maybe that explains my more sexualized view of men. *shrug* I didn’t receive the stereotypical “girly-girl” upbringing; it was very gender-neutral.

            Fast forward 20, 40 or however many years and things just haven’t changed that much. I was subjected to a sick, perverted religious cult that existed on a foundation of pedophilia. I had to disengage myself from that massive mindfuck, which it took me decades to do (still not sure I’m completely recovered) and I had to survive in a world where nobody cared about what I could do, my mind or my education. They wanted to see me take my clothes off and paid extra to get a chance to possibly sexually assault me – and quite a few of them did.

            I look back at my life. Did I have a choice? No. I can’t find any avenue at any intersection in my life where I could have reasonably chosen to do anything else. I’ve reviewed it many times.

            Yeah, but I’m not trying to erase your experiences. I’m not implying that you don’t know your own mind & body. Respect is important, even if another woman’s life experiences are very different from one’s own. But that respect needs to be mutual – a two-way street. Witchwind projects a lot, and it makes me angry because it’s very divisive. To be perfectly honest, most het women are going to run for the hills after reading some of her stuff. And this is going to help Feminism, how? Haven’t we been bossed around enough by men? I wont trade in one master for another…even if it is a woman. My problem with men is, and has always been, their misogyny. I hate men for hating women. But all of the hate in the world cannot erase what I feel when I look at an attractive man. That will never go away. LOL Trust me, I’ve tried.

            I don’t know about Witchwind’s alleged racism because I didn’t see it, but it doesn’t negate the truth of what is in her post about the treatment of women.

            Well, first off, nothing I say is “alledged”, because I’m not a liar. Secondly, I didn’t exactly accuse her of being a quote/unquote “racist”; it’s more along the lines of racially insensitive. I fully agree that our female-ness is the one thing, above all else, that keeps us in a position of subordination to men. But, as I said before, there are differences (race, soacial class, mental & physical abilities/disabilities, etc.) that present unique challenges to the women who are members of said class. We should all be able to talk about those differences, and how they affect our lives, without the fear of being called “unfeminist” for acknowledging that some women suffer more then others. It’s not one-ups-manship or oppression olympics; it’s reality. We’re all up shit creek, but some of us have a bigger paddle than others. That’s all I’m saying.

            I’ve talked to women who swear they were born lesbian and had sexual attractions to other girls at an early age. And, it is completely contrary to the programming we have imposed on us, so I’m inclined to believe it.

            But, what is our programming, really? Are we programmed to find men sexy? Do we walk down the street and see large billboards of attractive, scantily clad men trying to sell us a Carl’s Jr. Thickburger? Who is the sex class, men or women? Why are we taught to stare at ourselves in the mirror, and at other women…but not men? Which sex is associated, automatically, with the words “sexy”, “hot”, “pretty”, etc? Which sex are we taught to objectify? How can all of these hyper-sexualized images of women not influence some women’s sexual orientation? Ever wonder why it’s socially acceptable for men to choose a woman, based almost entirely on physical appearance, but when women attempt the same with men, it’s a huge fucking outrage? What is a pity-fuck? Why is it okay to screw an unattractive man in the name of “love”, but doing the same with an attractive man, strictly because of his attractiveness (minus the “love” crap) is, once again, an outrage?

            What I’m trying to say is that, from where I’m sitting, it looks an awful lot like everyone, both women & men, are socialized to be attracted to women. Now, I’m certainly not denying that women are forced (often kicking & screaming) into “relationships” with men, nor am I denying the existence of heteronormativity, I’m just trying to point out that men don’t want us to be sexually attracted to them. Why? Because then that means a whole lotta scumbags (like Elam & Esmay) would be shit out of luck. When heterosexual women have the power to choose, unsurprisingly, we go for the cute guys…not the nasty fodder found within most MRA groups. Also, since a lot of men get off on our misery, they don’t want us to actually enjoy the sex…but they want us to pretend that we do. This is why women are pushed to hook up with the most unattractive men imaginable, but shamed for choosing a guy just for his looks. Okay, I’m going on and on and I’m not sure if it’s making sense (and I’m tired), but, in a nutshell, I’m trying to say that we are all socialized to find women physically attractive, to objectify ourselves & each other…but we’re supposed to “respect” men (eg. no perving allowed) and only have sexual relations with the least attractive men because A. They are the ones in charge & B. Clearly, this setup is very undesirable for women, and this is what makes ugly dudes jizz their pants. LMAO Okay, I think that is clear enough (maybe). I haven’t had much sleep.

            I’m not going to reply to the rest of your post because I think what I wrote above addresses it pretty well.

  4. Hi Ella, glad you brought that up so I can clarify something I posted this week. I posted, “PIV is not sex.”

    What I meant was “PIV is not “Sex”. It’s often used as an equivalent, but it should be distinguished that of course there are other kinds of sex.

    Can’t speak for anyone else on the other statement you bring up, but my understanding is that statement is metaphorical. It means something serious to me, i.e. that there is a coercive element to PIV sex, as also exists with rape (but not always amounting to the crime of rape without a certain high level of coercion); alternatively, it means to me that there is a problem with the very possibility of “consensual” sex when society is set up to ensure that a woman’s consent is obtained via all sorts of coercions and persuasions. So the statement highlights severe coercion and consent problems.

    It also has become a bit of a non-serious rhetorical device, maybe, as the statement is intentionally or unintentionally misunderstood by MRAs, so making it can sometimes be a provocation to get debate or frothing going.

    As I understand it, Marilyn Frye, Adrienne Rich, and Andrea Dworkin, as well as many other feminist writers I’m sure, link this statement, that PIV sex is rape, to a root of the patriarchy: the patriarchal requirement of maximum male sexual access. Some radfem writers ask, How much do we enjoy it, really? To what extent does social conditioning cause us to “enjoy” it? If women were free, would men have less sexual access? Is this one big way men control us? Would liberated women want as much heterosexual sex? Does whether we enjoy it or not even matter, when we are pressured into it by a relative lack of economic opportunity, conditioning, social valorization of married motherhood, singlehood stigma,direct male pressure, and the media propaganda thrown relentlessly at us?

    FCM on her Femonade blog, available as an archive, developed these ideas in depth: http://factcheckme.wordpress.com/ Just scroll down and check out the category, “PIV” for an eyeful. And Witchwind has written radically and powerfully on this topic: http://witchwind.wordpress.com/2013/12/15/piv-is-always-rape-ok/

  5. Allow me to quote that perfect example of a man who understands what men are up to, Demonspawn (on the mensrights subreddit today): “The most important thing any society can do is properly regulate it’s [sic] pussy supply.”

    Men do understand this, they just don’t talk about it, unless they are drunks like this fella. I quote him because it is important for women to hear these things from the horse’s ass. And that’s only today’s pronouncement. Men are generally aware of the coercion. One could quote them for at least the length of Anna Karenina (960 pages) and still be using only quotes from 2014.

    While I am too cautious to discuss personalsex matters online, Demonspawn and I have attempted to spawn, but his spawn-thing wasn’t up to the task.

  6. As to the proper way to regulate Demonspawn’s pussy supply, he speaks more truth about male thinking here: “Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor; and the contrary opinion is wishful thinking at its worst.”

    Alas, poor Demonspawn. He was ejected, naked, and forcefully, from my apartment last Spring. On the street he was unfortunately identified by a group of women going to the market as a scumbag trying to sexually harass them to keep pussies maximally available. I retrieved his eyeball as a souvenir.

  7. Demonspawn has many historical ideas:

    “Sex and Culture” by J. D. Unwin (legal download, book is out of copyright).
    “Unwin analyzes 80 primitive cultures and a number of past empires and finds that, without exception, the level of advancement or decline of all cultures is directly tied to the level of regulation of female sexuality. His historical examples include the Sumerians, Babylonians, Athenians, Romans, Teutons, and Anglo-Saxons (600s – 900s), and English (1500s – 1900s). In every example, these cultures began to rise when women were required to be virgins at marriage and to be monogamous for life. All of these cultures began to decline when women were given rights, were not required to be virgins at marriage, when divorce was common, and marriage was in decline.”

    There you go. “Regulation of female sexuality”. The Key. To Western Civ.

    Good old upvoted Demonspawn. Telling it like it is, so no one can misunderstand. I personally have discussed this with D many times over the candle-lit dining table, which he was soon ejec ted forcibly from.

    It is important to understand that this is where (hmm, should I let this lie? or qualify it by saying “almost” or “many” men? Naw. men, in general) are coming from.

    Radfems, OTOH, ask: what “civilization” is this? Do women, the majority of people on Earth, benefit from this civilization? Can they, like men in their classes, leave their “caste” behind and move freely according to their talents and attributes in society? Is a civilization built on the male control of women’s freedom a civilization worth having? Does being a virgin mean jackshit today? Is monogamy for life a good plan for men? Is not allowing divorce for men what you want? Or, oh, I see, is all this regulation only meant to apply to women?

    As that ole blues singer said: “When you got a good slave, let her stay right by your side.” Thass right. As D has said many times, slavery for women benefits us men, so what;s the argument?

    So the question for women who have benefited from feminism enough to be able to choose is, is PIV sex worth falling into Demonspawn’s domain? Or, maybe we should stand apart while he froths?

  8. Happy B-day, Diana! I’ll be 40 next year. This is usually some sort of crisis for most women, but not me. Most likely because I’ve never been one to fuss over my appearance. So, it’s basically a seamless transition for me.

    Also, anxiously awaiting menopause. I’m ready for my monthly friend to go bye-bye. For real.

    • Thanks for the b=day wishes. Yeah, I used to really care about full makeup and relaxed hair etc but now I wear my jewfro and don’t give a fig. I just can’t seem to care any more since I’m older. I’m in pre meno right now and you just never know when you’re gonna be late or early or what. You just start bleeding whenever. lol

      It’s a pain in the ass but I’m actually scared of having less estrogen in my body. I always freaked about seeing women taking hormones but now I realize it might be a good idea.

      • I dye my hair a reddish color. I just feel like it matches my personality. It’s never been a vanity thing.

        Those hormone pills have horse urine in them. Probably not something you really need. The men in the white coats love to push their pills.

  9. Thanks for your thoughts, everybody. The analysis leading up to the claim “all PIV is rape” is always an excellent analysis. We are conditioned to believe that PIV=sex, that it is the primary sex act, that other acts don’t “count” and that we should all enjoy it. This is coercive, for sure, and it does lead to a lot of rape. I believe women who say they enjoy PIV—such as Sugarpuss here, but we can all see that women are expected to do it whether they like it or not. The problem is PIV is institutionalized, it’s compulsory, so much so that women will say “yes” even when they don’t really want it, because they really believe they have to. This needs to stop. In my blog’s glossary I define sex like this:

    “The act of sex is when two (or more) people each decide to give each other sexual pleasure because they like each other and are in the mood to be sexually aroused. The goal of sex is pleasure and orgasm for all participants, and while orgasm is not necessarily always reached, sexual pleasure is always a part of the deal.”

    This definition removes the emphasis on naming specific acts as “sex” and in fact it doesn’t name any acts at all. That’s because when the goal is sexual pleasure then the acts used to achieve that are not universal, they are specific to the particular person at a particular time. If the goal is sexual pleasure for all participants, then rape has nothing to do with sex.

    The usual definition of sex is “when a man puts his penis in a woman’s vagina” and that definition means that rape and sex are the same act. It also erases gay and lesbian sexuality completely.

    • Ella,

      Back in 1976, Shere Hite published her “Hite Report,” in which she conducted a survey through questionnaires. I discarded my copy of this book a long time ago. I bought it trying to understand why I not only did not enjoy PIV but found it very painful. Thanks to the campaign by liberals to encourage women to enjoy sex… I mean it’s natural, right? So, it should be enjoyable to women as well as men? I thought there must be something wrong with ME. Her report showed that only a small percentage of women got any kind of sexual pleasure, ie. orgasm, from PIV. My conclusion is that there is a relatively small number who may be biologically different from the rest of us – could be a matter of nerve endings, hormone combinations and levels or something else.

      But, most women get nothing out of PIV. It’s expected. It’s going to happen. If you go out on a single date with a man (at least, this is how things are where I am, in the last 15 years(, it’s probably going to happen whether you want it or not. If you’re anywhere near a man, he might decide to whip it out and stick it in you and you’re supposed to, at least, deal with that.

      But, very few women, statistically speaking (and Hite’s report was made after the liberal free sex revolution was well into fulls swing – so who knows what pressure there may have been on some of those polled to feel that they enjoyed PIV or something was wrong with them!) derive any kind of pleasure from PIV. Most women just cope with it – we’re good at dissociation and re-writing the script after the fact so that we can go on living and not slit our wrists to escape this hell.

      As for me, I will kill the next fucking bastard before I am raped, again.

      Do I hate men? Yes, I do. And, that is my absolute right!

      • I don’t imagine orgasms. I personally don’t give a damn about “statistics”. I know my own body VERY WELL. My only problem with PIV has been the fact that it doesn’t last long enough, or the men are only interested in doing it just once.

        But hey, what do I know about my own vag? SMH

        • Sugarpuss,

          I can’t reply where I wanted to reply, so I’m replying to you here.

          Re: Hite Report and the ’60s and ’70s. There was a lot of pressure on women during that time and since not to be “uptight” or “hung up” about sex. So, there is a social and psychological factor to be considered then just as there is now. Nobody whats to be the freak who doesn’t enjoy PIV with men when everyone knows this is perfectly natural.

          Yes, I think we’ve pretty much covered everything.

          You are right that men want to commodify women’s bodies and keep control of the “supply,” therefore, they don’t want women to find men sexually attractive.

          Regarding the racial insensitivity at Witchwind’s blog: I follow her blog pretty closel. She did a response post to something at Cherryblossomlife’s blog fairly recently, which was about The White Woman and features some quotes from Catherine McKinnon on that subject, all of which I can relate to pretty well.

          This division of women by race, which is created by men, is a big problem in feminism. For instance, I have had an experience as a white woman, which is probably very different from women who have a different appearance. You will probably never hear about it, though, because of the fear I have of being called racist, racially insensitive or being perceived of as being somehow privileged if I were to talk about it. Rape, human trafficking, being subjugated, being brutalized – all of it is just as awful regardless of how much melanin you have. And, there are special ways in which white women, especially those of a particular appearance are singled out for especially vile perversion and defilement simply because of their appearance. But, you will never hear about it from me, here or anywhere else, simply because it is such a hot potato that I just don’t think it is safe to talk about publicly or even privately. And, that is a terrible shame But, I didn’t create this situation and I can’t change it.

          • Re: Hite Report and the ’60s and ’70s. There was a lot of pressure on women during that time and since not to be “uptight” or “hung up” about sex. So, there is a social and psychological factor to be considered then just as there is now. Nobody whats to be the freak who doesn’t enjoy PIV with men when everyone knows this is perfectly natural.

            What does this Hite Report have to do with my vagina?

            And yes, women are prude-shamed, but we are also slut-shamed. I just saw a particularly disgusting example of it on a women’s site called “XO Jane” (I think that’s the name). A bunch of nasty MRAs infested the comment section and basically proclaimed that “no man wants a used up whore”. Believe it or not, lots of men still fetishize the whole “purity” thing. Such men are also known for having derogatory opinions of strippers, prostituted women, etc.

            As far as PIV is concerned, I don’t understand why I’m supposed to pretend I don’t enjoy being penetrated just because other women don’t enjoy it (or because a bunch of dudes in white coats did a study that says I don’t exist). Nobody should have to pretend they like/dislike something they don’t. I feel very bad for women who have to fake pleasure or find PIV painful, but that’s not my story. And anybody that knows me is aware of how stubborn, headstrong & immovable I am. I don’t do a damn thing unless I like it. Well, I did some mandatory housework today, and that fucking sucked, but I had to because it was a mess, but nevermind that.

            And, I’m sorry but, the majority of human trafficking victims are minority race women, not white. It’s easier to exploit these women because few people give a shit about them. If a white, american, middle class, blond woman disappears, it becomes a national crisis. OTOH, black women are killed, raped & murdered as if it were free. And it practically is. This is because they are perceived as less valuable (due to the crazy, ever-changing beauty standards). Being a white woman means living life on a very narrow pedestal (along with a matching gilded cage), but we still have privilege over other women. It pales in comparison to white men, but it’s definitely there. I’ve never lived that picket fence life; I’ve always been poor and I’ve always lived in racially diverse neighborhoods…so I’ve seen the bias firsthand. Not that a black woman’s experience needs validating by my whiteness. Just saying I know what I’m talking about. It’s something that upper-middle class women have difficulty acknowledging.

        • Sugarpuss,

          You asked, “What does this Hite Report have to do with my vagina?”

          I don’t know. You replied to that particular post with information about your vagina. But, that could just be a coincidence.

          That last paragraph is full of biased and bigoted falsehoods, But, trust me, as a “privileged” “middle-class” white woman, I know when to shut up and smile. So, I’m done now and I’m just sitting here on my pedestal smiling.

          • I don’t know. You replied to that particular post with information about your vagina. But, that could just be a coincidence.

            Right, and my vagina has nothing to do with any report or sturdy because….(wait for it)…..they didn’t study ME. But then I’m very wary & untrusting of studies in general because I don’t know anybody that’s ever been asked to participate in one of them. Dudes make up so much shit that I just prefer to listen to myself and my own body. Quite the controversial choice, it seems.

            That last paragraph is full of biased and bigoted falsehoods,

            Umm…. Dean?

  10. I like your definition, Ella.

    So much misunderstanding arises from different definitions. Looking again at the word “rape”, I’m reminded that there are different ways to define it. There’s the broad political concept. There’s the legal definition, with specific elements of the crime laid out and definite consequences for committing it as a crime. There are also different social understandings of it. I’d say that every PIV act is not “rape” to me because I prefer to stick to the legal definition when using the word “rape” on the whole, while recognizing that for discussion purposes the concept of rape is very relevant to radfem questions about PIV sex. So to me “PIV is rape” says that PIV sex in patriarchal society is analogous in some respects to the crime of rape.That’s one personal way of looking at it.

    In the same way, while I may say “men” are assholes, I’m referring to men’s status as a subjugating class, not to individuals. The impact on women of not being considered quite human can get wearing, and the barrage of misogyny coming at us from all directions. But I am not driven by ill-will toward men, I’m concerned with ill-will coming from male society toward women. I am in a defensive position. I am resisting ongoing attempts of the “assholic” patriarchal society, with its faceless spokesmen like Demonspawn, to control me and other human beings because of our sex. That women can now resist is such a testament to feminism.

  11. And, another point, which was made by Witchwind in the post I mentioned above, PIV is never not without risks to women and girls. So, even if you are a woman who enjoys PIV, it still comes with all kinds of health risks. Why would women, entirely of their own free will and with unfettered free choice, choose to endanger their lives in this way? That’s a rhetorical question.

    For men there is little to no risk. They know it is risky and harmful to us and even when they’re hurting us – even when your doctor has said, “Don’t do it for 6 weeks!” – they do it to you, anyway. Is this rape? I think it is. There’s just nothing to do about it – except stay the hell away from men – because to everyone else, especially men, this is acceptable and even expected behavior.

    • And, another point, which was made by Witchwind in the post I mentioned above, PIV is never not without risks to women and girls. So, even if you are a woman who enjoys PIV, it still comes with all kinds of health risks. Why would women, entirely of their own free will and with unfettered free choice, choose to endanger their lives in this way? That’s a rhetorical question.

      I’m celibate. But I have a dildo, so problem solved.

  12. I suppose I should weigh in on my perspective and not feel left out. 😀

    I see the ‘all PIV is rape’ as a metaphor for all sorts of things.

    risks that women take during intercourse are much higher, including a possible pregnancy that can result in death
    it’s male focused pleasure because the way most women see ‘pleasure’ is when he ejaculates. This is why ‘Our bodies Our Selves’ was such an important book! Women should take their pleasure when they want it and if a man won’t give it, kick him to the curb!

    Along with those two points above we have the crime of rape and as V pointed out and I agree with, we should stick to the legal definition but recognize that forced penetration IS rape and at the same time understand that intercourse, as prescribed to us by patriarchal society, is coercive, all things considered.

    Now I will address Sugar. You are entitled to like it! You’re entitled to like men who you find attractive. You’re entitled to your sexual pleasure, whatever that encompasses for you.

    I’ve had lots of sex with men, lots of intercourse. I still remember my first time, which we could spend days talking about that concept right ladies?!

    I won’t say I didn’t like it because I did, at that time and in that place.

    I think those are the important words: in that time and in that place.

    Would I want it now? No. I’ve changed. Sure I still find some men attractive but I think I can go without a dick when it’s attached to what I see as someone who has power over me.

    I don’t need to have a dick if I want to be penetrated and I certainly don’t need all the problems that come with said dick.

    Basically there are other forms of pleasure that I’ve discovered that don’t require dick and I’m ok with it but hey, not everyone is like me.

    Those are just some rambly thoughts.

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